Let Them

I have a hard time accepting love and a harder time at letting it go.  I do not like giving up on anything in life much less people I have loved along the way.  I know I have no control and lately I need a constant reminder.  I mean nothing says I am having a hard time with my life like a hand tattoo.  Ha.


I ran across a poem called LET THEM (not posted) and I went over what I need to remind myself of which is this….


If someone wants to ignore me, I have to LET THEM.  I have to just LET THEM be ok with not seeing me.  If someone wants to push me away, I have to just LET THEM.   As painful as it is to just let go, I do not want anyone close to me that is not in my corner.  The only way to acomplish this is to LET THEM be who they want to be and LET THEM be in charge of their own lives.  I have to just LET THEM lose me. I have to LET THEM leave.  I have to LET THEM go.


I can try and try harder.  I can hold on.  I can be open.  I can be honest.  I can be loyal.  I can share my heart.  I can share my trauma.  I can be supportive.  I can be self-aware.  I can only want whats best.  I can be all those things and still have to LET THEM choose.  I have to LET THEM not want what I have to offer.


It sounds easy to just accept people the way they are but I like to see people realize their full potential. So, that also means I have to LET THEM stay in their cycle.  I have to LET THEM make mistakes.  I have to LET THEM  create their own path.  And any parent, lover, friend knows those type of “LET THEMs” are tough.


Now, maybe we should also LET THEM love us.  LET THEM show up for us and prove we are a priority and not a burden.  We should LET THEM prove themselves.  LET THEM not be perfect.  After all, none of us are.







Lessons learned from my firstborn

My son turns 18 this week and with that is bringing a lot of reflection.  I started the morning hysterically crying and FaceTiming my friend.  The only person I know that understands my thoughts and feeling and who has lived with my children and I for years.   “Once they grow up and move away you never get them back” is the main theme of my heartbreak today.  I raise all my kids to be free thinkers and as independent as possible. So, naturally you want them to be ok without you.  You want them to grow up.  You raise them to not repeat your mistakes and raise them based on what you wish you had.  That being said I would like to share the mistakes and wins I have made over the years.  Lessons I learned from a first born.

Mistake-I pressured my kids to be the best at everything.  I pressured them to not only make straight A’s but to be the top in percentile in the U.S.  They rose to the occasion.  I spent all my free time teaching them things.  My kids could read before their peers and on a higher level, in robotics, on the math team, and in gifted.  They never got in trouble at school and I regularly had parents ask what I did to have such well behaved and academically stellar kids. I had them in art, Spanish, karate, sports, etc.  I looked like a star mom but they were exhausted.  I thought I was preparing them for their future when really it transferred over to their older years where any kind of imperfection is felt like a major failure.

Win-I talked to my son about everything all the time.  We talked about the different types of clouds, religion, sex, respect, and anything he asked, and at any age.  We used appropriate terms like “penis” and “vagina” and we had discussions about what is natural and when its appropriate.  There wasn’t anything that was off limits to talk about in my house.  There still isn’t anything that is off limits.

Mistake-I was never really a voice raiser but when my son was in his teens I became one.  Not often, but in those super heated debates  I would.  I would look up at this 6 foot human not realizing he’s only 14.  He looked like a gown man, he talked like a gown man, but he was still a young child looking up to his mom as an example.  And this “example” occasionally lost her shit any by “occasionally” I mean often.

Win- I was in the front seat of his life.  I was homeroom mom, dugout mom, and volunteered.  I would have him do charity work together.  My child would never have perfect attendance bc if he was allowed 10 days we took 10 days.  We went on dates, we stayed in and played video games, but we took every moment we could to spend time together.

Mistake-My biggest mistake by far was that I chased love.  I was so scared my kids would never have a consistent male in their lives that I stayed in a bad relationship with a horrible example of what love was. In my mind I thought it gave me  the ability to get to be a mommy without having to work the 12 hour days 6+ days a week I was doing.  But because of that my children have never had an example of a healthy relationship from anyone.  Their homes weren’t peaceful.  Their parents didn’t coparent (still don’t) or do whats best and they still suffer from that.

Win- I got the strength to be alone instead of needing to be with someone.  My kids do see that I would rather have no one than a bad someone, that I am ok alone, and that you can recover from the worst situation.

Mistake-I raised my children to be overly cautious of people and to see the bad in the world.  I projected my fear of people hurting me onto them.  I created that reality by being around people of low character.  Then, when a snake would act like a snake, I would say….see people are bad.

Win-I apologized when I was wrong and often.  Kids are smart and deserve respect.  I still have to check myself more often than I should they forgive me.  I try not to make excuses and just do whatever I can to rectify the situation.

Mistake-I was too nice.  I let too much slide with their dads.  I was timid.  I was stupid.  I thought I was doing what was best but I was only doing what was best for my peace, not their lives.  I should have fought, I should have stood up, bc in the end people don’t appreciate if you lay down while they walk on you.

Parenting is hard.  Its doing the best you can with what you know.  It is loving your minis and being strong enough to stop whatever cycle your family has went through for generations.  It is caring enough to say….I am going to heal this and it ends with me.  It is respecting your kids dreams and opinions as theirs and not projecting what you want.  It is your legacy left behind.  It is so much fun.  It is so heartbreaking.  It is so hard.


Happy Birthday, son!  I hope you forgive your mom for my mistakes, appreciate me for our wins, and always love me through both.



For my birthday, I decided to treat myself to a mommy makeover.  This year has been exhausting and I have overworked myself.  Mommin’ is hard, y’all.  So, I went to Parlour 3 in Nashville to see Jennifer Tsourvakas (click here) to look her up.  She does amazing work!  A lot of you wanted a breakdown of my makeup so I am going to try and cover it all and link all the products used.

She prepped my skin using the Seven Seven Cosmetics Mica Oil (click here).  The foundation is the Huda Beauty #FauxFilter (click here) and the concealer is the Mac ProLongwear (click here).  I always have a hard time finding a foundation/concealer that doesn’t end up too shiny and these were great.  She set my foundation with Laura Mercier Translucent (click here) and the Hourglass Ambient Lighting Powder (click here).  I like easy makeup that I can do and contour is just too difficult.  So, she bronzed my face with Mac give me sun (click here) mixed with Benefits hoola bronzer (click here)  and used Mac blush in peaches (click here).  She used Anastasia brow wiz (click here) on my brows and they have never looked so good.  I don’t know what she did but my brow shape was perfect!  Oh, and to highlight she used Charlotte Tilbury gold bar (click here).  I think that covered everything for my face.  Now for my eyes…. She used the Dose Of Colors friendcation palette (click here), Marc Jacobs See-Quins glitter shadow in gleam girl (click here), Mac Cosmetics brown gel liner (click here), and Melt Cosmetics rose gold liner in my waterline (click here).  My lips are the perfect nude combination for my skin tone.  The lip liner is NYX slim in natural (click here) and its only $4! We used the Charlotte Tilbury K.I.S.S.I.N.G. lipstick in penelope pink (click here) and topped it with the Fenty Beauty gloss in fenty glow (click here).  And last but not least she set my makeup with Mac Fix+ (click here)


I think that covers everything.  I know that is a long list of expensive makeup and most of us can’t afford it all.  I would say the products I just have to have are the NXY lip liner and Fenty gloss.  I have the lipstick too but for the price I am sure you can find a cheaper alternative that would be just as good and look the same.  I do wear Macs blush in peaches every single day.  That is def worth the $24 because it goes with everything.


Anyways,  I hope you enjoy.  I love y’all and thanks for making a girl feel special.


33 Y’all!!!!! When I was a child I imagined my thirties being a hot wife to a hot, tall, dark, and handsome husband with lots of adopted children, and traveling the world saving everyone that needed help. Those of you that know me can laugh now. My life has been one of the biggest shit shows you’ll ever read.  I never imagined my life like this. I never imagined any of my latest circumstances. But here we are….

My thirties started over from many betrayals, lots of abuse, and neglect.  A loss of income, loss of our home, and innocence of my children.  Everything I worked so hard for was gone.  My life savings.  My family.  The life that I deserved was never going to happen. Hopelessness had settled in and wasn’t going anywhere.  I spent a lot of time with God.  Mostly drinking wine and crying on the floor, but hey God meets us where we are.  And my God happened to be on the bathroom floor while I was wine drunk.  God is a big being and can handle it if you want to scream.  He/she/it can handle it if you’re losing it after putting your kids to bed.  And my God had to handle a lot from me. I was at the bottom and needed guidance.  And let me tell y’all, God is so good!……

I still spend time in the bath, drinking wine, and crying over my circumstances, but I spend a lot less time.  And that gives me so much HOPE.  I found love and even though I lost it that gives me HOPE.  My finances are the bomb and that gives me so much HOPE for our future.

I am starting 33 so hopeful of my beautiful future with my beautiful family.   My thirties didn’t start how I imagined as a child, but I am well on my way to ending it as that dream.  I can honestly say I am living my best life.  I know for a fact 33 will be my most favorite year yet.  I can’t wait to see what happens.



“When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.” -Lolly Daskai

Am I good enough to share the gospel?

I grew up in church.  I remember as a child and through my adult years I would judge anyone who was on the praise team or in any position in the church that was less than perfect.  If you sang a song, played the guitar, or taught Sunday school to me you better not be seen at the bar or get caught having an affair…… Let us all laugh at that together.  If you read that and you agreed with my original view you are part of the problem.


There is a church in town I attended for about a year.  Well into my regular attendance I signed up to participate in a ladies event.  I was told that since I was not a member I would need to join the church first as it was part of showing a “commitment”.  I must have been silly to assume my regular attendance of Sunday school, tithe (they didn’t turn that away), evening services, and classes they offered was enough.  But because I didn’t technically stand in front of the whole church and say the sentence they wanted, then I wasn’t a member and since I wasn’t a member then being a part of any lady event wasn’t happening.  It just felt very stiff and unwelcoming to me.  Like I wasn’t part of the club yet until I pricked my finger and shared my blood. I rebelled of course to the idea and left the church.


Now, I am 32 and I would like to think a little wiser.  If we (the church) wait until we are perfect enough to share Jesus we will never share him.  And if we as a church put stipulations on events to share Jesus because you aren’t a “member” then we are missing prime opportunities.  If we as a church are saying you can’t sing on the praise team because your snapchat is a mess then we are missing it.


As someone who has done unforgivable things, stayed in low places, and has many problems I still have not overcome, I pass up a lot of opportunities as to not sound “hypocritical”.  I pass up sharing my God’s grace.  That just sounds silly.  I pass up sharing the grace that I take full advantage of EVERY SINGLE DAY.  The whole message of the gospel.  The idea that someone died for us as the imperfect beings that we are.  The ones with the language issue they’re working on, the one who at a low point had an affair, the one who enjoys too much wine too many times.  We say come as you are but then we divvy out assignments based on the perceived goodness of the person.  And the sinners like me never apply for any position.  Person A who has been a Christian their whole life and never got caught saying the wrong thing is given a ministry position.  Person B who has been a Christian a few weeks ….. again, but always back slides, we give a backseat.  We don’t want to put them up front for when they fall again, like we know they will.  And when person A falls, we remove them from their position.  We do this because the congregation has a fit when we find out about that affair, or we see them at the bar.  We do this because people are like I used to be.  Sitting and whispering and judging.  Wondering why they have the nerve to get up there when just last night they were seen vomiting on the street.  That is why we make people feel like they have to have their life together before they can help anyone else or share the love of Jesus.  We will join that outreach program when our marriage is stable and the shame of an affair has subsided. We will help in the children’s ministry when we have stayed out of a bar on a Friday night for over a year, and so on.  So, everyone is wasting away waiting until we are “good” enough, and that idea is the reason you live and die without ever sharing the gospel.  The same gospel that you believe will save you from a forever punishment.  You are keeping to yourself.  What a crappy thing.  We will never be “good” enough.  We aren’t God.  The best we can hope for is to be real about our struggles and help someone else.  Because pretending to be perfect doesn’t help anyone.  And sometimes the one thing that helps us turn our lives around is helping others.  Read that again.  And again.  Christians already have a reputation of being hypocrites and no one wants to share Jesus when we are failing, because then we are reiterating that idea.  Great, you aren’t known as a hypocrite.  You also are not sharing the whole reason of your existence.


Noah was a drunk who slept naked.  Sarah let her husband sleep with another woman and then hated her for it.  Moses had a temper problem.  Solomon who was considered very wise, was a sex addict.  And David was an adulterer.  These people were also considered game changers.


I am a Noah, Sarah, Moses, Soloman, and a David….. Let’s talk


If you don’t go to church because it is just full of “hypocrites” then you are judging just as much.  If you don’t have a church that takes you as you are keep searching and don’t give up.  Fairview in Falkville I would always recommend.  Milan  is a man who loves everyone and has picked me up many times when I failed.  If you aren’t sharing your struggles then you are missing out on making a difference.  Every single one of you can be a game changer.  Christian or not.


Always Love,


Baileys Junior Cotillion

imageToday was Baileys first junior cotillion class.  As I watched him learn how to great a lady, how to seat a lady, how to do a business handshake, how to dance, and the rules on respect for everyone, I cried thinking how great of a young man he is.  I’m proud and thankful that his life will be easier than mine.  He is going to be equipped with all the tools he needs to have a successful life.  He is a Christian young man, he is honest, he is compassionate, he has empathy and integrity, he doesn’t pick on people, and he takes responsibility for his actions.  I’m trying to raise a good future husband, daddy, and successful adult.  In class I was reminded how valuable a woman is and just how much I have allowed people to devalue me.  How men are supposed to stand up when we walk into the room.  They are to cater to us, respect us, value us, and most of all protect us.  They’re supposed to make sure we are safe and warm.  Men are failing women and children.  Mothers are failing raising our children.  We let our children pick on others and judge others for their weight or looks.  We tell our kids about adult issues going on and mold their minds to judge and be disrespectful.  If our children are mean to someone we don’t like we think it’s ok.  It’s not right.  Why are we raising our children to be so average?  Like, if they aren’t in jail later then we have done a good job.  Life is a lot more than not getting caught being a bad person.  What about those that are horrible and not caught?  Ecclesiastes 4:10 Pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  In life we aren’t equipping the next generation to be decent human beings.  Therefore, we aren’t raising people to help anyone up now.  Our friends encourage lies, sleeping around, and doing anything to “make you happy”.  No one watches from a distance then offers a helping hand.  People are out for themselves.  Cotillion teaches that life is now about serving others.  I agree.  Be a helping hand up for someone.  Help families stay together.  Encourage others to give instead of just take.  Encourage strength in integrity.  Bring back respecting women cool 🙂 I really want my children to have a mate later in life with the same outlook.  Mothers and fathers stop making excuses for your children bad behaviors and lies and start caring about their soul and morals.  If you haven’t ever put your child in the junior cotillion class at Decatur Country Club I highly recommend it.  It is a great source to learn respect and manners.  It is a start in the right direction.  It is a really good wake up call on just how far we have fell over the years.

This Sunday will be the 12th Mothers Day I get to celebrate being a mother. I had my first born at 16. Left alone in the hospital every night to hold my precious son and cry alone. I made a mistake. I had unprotected sex. A mistake that I will forever be a sacrifice for. School and friends were no longer an options. At 16 I had set myself for a life of failure. Pressured into abortion, that wasn’t an option for me. I chose to try and right my wrongs the best I could. I loved this little boy with every once of my being and from the day he was born I failed him. It wasn’t fair he was born to a mother with a failed education. I had the hopes, dreams, and love down. I didn’t mind sacrificing my life for him. I had no problems never seeing anyone from school again. I chose him. I chose a life of struggle and pain with him over a life chasing my goals and proms and friends without him. I begged God for a decade to send supernatural favor and opportunities to us bc I had no way of going after them on my own. I prayed over my children and I am very proud of my parenting. My failures to some wouldn’t matter. Love is more important than money they will say. But I want more for them. I wanted land for them to roam and something to pass down. Being a mother so young cripples you. I’ve always had big dreams in my spirit. Bigger than this. How is someone to be the only emotional support for her children, uneducated, and stretched for time to give more to them? Are they forever set back because their mother made unwise decisions? When I had children I had them so I could be their mother. Not someone else. I feel no opportunities here for us. Just 9-5 barely getting by. Paycheck to paycheck. I can’t go back and do life the right way. I don’t want my children to be a statistic because of my mistakes that essentially made life harder since day one. Children of single mothers have a higher rate of drug use, teen pregnancies, etc. because mommy has to work twice as hard. Our personal relationships have a very low success rate because of age. Therefore, our children are raised in broken homes. If we don’t have grandparent help by the time we pay daycare and buy lunch were short $50 at the end of the week. We have the same dreams and hopes for our children any wealthy person has. We just have more heartbreak knowing that unless we have a miracle it won’t happen for our children. We can’t give our kids Disney memories. We can’t give them the education they deserve. I want so much more for them! I want a better education, a higher standing of peers, difference makers that they can grow up with and call on when they’re older to invest in their ideas or help them get a good job through connections. I don’t want mediocre for them. It’s not their fault they were born with the odds against them. The biggest mistakes I made in life are the ones where I believed in someone else and the lies they fed me. Where does that leave me now? A statistic? Absolutely. So far I have raised my children well. They’re good people. To me that’s most important. I have raised boys who are morally sound, gifted, good children without any moral support, more stones thrown than anyone deserves, more lies spread than my children deserve to hear, and more broken promises I can count. I have shown my children good integrity. I have also apologized and asked forgiveness when I didn’t show them that. I live my life through humor and other than my blog don’t open up. Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers! I encourage anyone that owns a business or that’s in a position of power to invest in those mothers. The ones willing to hustle and the dreamers of their children’s future. Invest in them so that their children not be a statistic. So that for generations their children can be blessed. We can always hirer the qualified. I challenge you to hire an unqualified dreamer and make a difference. XoXo



I love reading all the New Years resolutions on my news feed.  I don’t know about you but I hate all the negativity of people assuming you won’t achieve your goals.  I don’t make big goals but this year I am determined to stop biting my nails and as always to continue taking better care of myself.  As I get older my idea of beauty becomes more of health.  Healthy hair, nails, teeth, and skin is more beautiful to me.  Although I can fake almost anything with makeup 🙂 or hair products.  I have gotten a lot of emails asking what products I use.  Here are my basics.


Nails- My nails are in bad shape from biting and acrylic so Im using NO BITE and that keeps them out of my mouth and NAILTIQUES to repair the damage, and JOSIE MARAN on the cuticle.

Face- I have a simple skin routine.  I use CERAVE or PURPOSE to cleans.  JOSIE MARAN as a moisturizer, KORRES BRIGHTENING SLEEPING FACIAL at night.

Hair- My favorite hair product ever is HERBAL ESSENCE CLEANSING CONDITIONER!  If you’re a fan of WEN or the no poo method I recommend this.  If you’re used to regular shampoo it takes some getting used to but it smells amazing, its not damaging, and doesn’t strip your hair of your natural oils.  I use MACADAMIA NATURAL OIL every two weeks or really when I think about it.  My hair has become so much healthier!

Body- I only use PURPOSE soap.  Its $3.24 a bar at Walmart and difficult to find but I have sensitive acne prone skin and if I use anything else I will break out.

Lips- JOSIE MARAN ARAGAN OIL bc I lose any lip products I buy after a week.

Here is to my NEW YEAR with hopefully beautiful natural nails!

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